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Chapter Five I Have No Idea. Do You?

April 5, 2013
Here is a sample chapter from my book. If you like what you see you can get a copy here: www.amazon.com/dp/B008GD3BIQ
This belongs right after a chapter on idiots.  It’s composed of equal parts crazy, idiots, and absurd.  They are one-liners that mean nothing or an entire message that just goes nowhere.  If you are actually able to crack the clueless code and know what they are trying to say please let me know.  On second thought keep it to yourself because if you do manage to crack the crazy,  you will yourself become crazy and it might be catching.—im disapointed in youAnd I you, I mean seriously your spelling and grammar totally fail.  How can you mess up a four word sentence?

I am interested into applying for a moderator position on the server Game_Server. The chat there is at most of the time vulgar, and I dislike reading the lude comments posted. If there is an application process, or another way to become a moderator will you please give me the necessary information? Thank you.

Thanks for showing interest in becoming a moderator, the hiring process is very long and intense. First, we review your game history and if you ever attacked someone you can’t be a mod, if you have ever told another player to shut up you can’t be a mod,  if you have ever had an argument in game you cannot be a moderator.

These steps are important because we don’t want to hire a whiny player who just wants to bring the ban hammer down on players they don’t like.

If you pass the above we then put you through an eight week boot camp where we expect your typing speed to increase tenfold.  You are also psychologically tested randomly including a seven day stint in solitary, where the most annoying music sung by our highly paid team of trolls will be your only company. If at any time you lash out you will be electrocuted, ten shocks and you are disqualified from the process.

Passing all of the above, and a rigorous background check that looks for any connections to current or past trolls, we will consider hiring you for the position.

What do you think?! Of course we don’t just hire players who write in saying that they aren’t happy with chat on a world.  Players who ask to become mods are generally the worst offenders in all of the interweb.  You just want to use the shiny ban hammer to mess with other players.  Not to mention, don’t you even see the conflict of interest of you policing a game that you actively play on, it would be impossible for you to be unbiased.

So no, we won’t hire you as a mod, which is the same answer you get from everything you have ever offered to Mod, now go play the game and stop trolling.

THE 12 DAYS OF THE_COMPANY CHRISTMAS THEM BASTARDS GAVE TO ME !!! …… 12 non loading screens …..11 failed hyper links ….10 games not working…….9 days of frustration ….8 comments not posting ….7 emails not replied to …6 times refreshing …5 salty tears ……4 gifts missing… 3 broken mice… 2 therapists ….and a programmer hanging from a treeeeee!!!

12 refresh mother fucker… 11 check the link and make sure it’s right… 10 games you don’t have accounts on… 9 days I will make you wait for help… 8 times silenced for lewd conduct… 7 emails closed because they were the same… 6 refreshing hard liquor drinks to deal with you… 5 times the enjoyment in your misery… 4 more gifts deleted because I hate you… 3 times concussed from using the mouse as a mace… 2 times the laughter at you needing a shrink… 1 felony conviction for threats to our stafffffffffffffffffffff!!!

4chan Truth LMAO

This is all the message said. I guess they are preaching that 4chan is the universal truth.  Which is actually scary, if 4chan is the universal truth of life we are all fucked.  We will be laughing forever, but we’re fucked.

i think the 8th city should be the after math of a huge war that went on and the ground should have skeletons and the buildings should be a little darker to make look like a battle did go on like make the houses look like it was on fire but now its just blackness and all the buildings should have something on it to make it look like a battle truly did happen cause just imagine how many troops people have lost to get to the 8th city

Right, I’m sure a city that looks like that will function just perfectly.  The farms will still produce food.  The farmers and miners would love to come home to their houses on fire every day.  Not to mention – a fire that burns forever and doesn’t consume… hello renewable energy source!

want to let you know that I’m already busy for you to create a new kind of Awesome_Thing. so not much time to play. how do I get my points when my Other_Awesome_Things are so busy. see picture.

I don’t know if you are excited and asking about when a new part of the game will come out, telling me you don’t have enough time to play the game, or telling me something is not working in the game?  The picture you sent is just a screenshot of a normal city working.

Whatever your gibberish means, congratulations, it was perplexing enough to make it into the book.

Do you examine your situation?

Yes, I am often introspective and think about my situation.

Like now, I am examining what possible ways I can make fun of you for a pithy yet confusing message.

This is a weird one where the message was from Hector, replying to the first invite.

DATE: X_ OCTOBER 2011
TIME: 20 HOURS (8 PM)
PLACE: THEATRE ARTS Place_
(Inside the park FUNDIDORA, INPUT Sesame Street)
General Admission: 60 pesos all age groups

I HOPE MAY ATTEND

RAFA ATTE

===

Count me cousin, see you there.

HECTOR Last_Name

Thanks for the invite, but I don’t go to places I’m invited to in spam.  I’m glad your cousin will be there though, y’all have fun.

I still can not process the village but a village.I went to one village.

Are you the village idiot?

Please let us know about the problem and the necessary response Oyunumla say as soon as possible

Yes, I believe the problem is you don’t know how to specify what is wrong.  A quick search of Oyunumla returns several pages of links in Turkish, so I’m just going to assume that was some religious reference and I hope Oyunumla doesn’t strike me down.

asasasasasasa

Did you fall asleep on your keyboard or fail at Mavis typing?

JUSTİCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IS BLIND!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!1

the only things alot of poc’s have “bigg mouths and alot of mm hahahaha

my dads brother died  gabrial fromsiege engigine sent thisan other abuse noputting up whith it un less The_Company sorts it my solictor will

Are you having a stroke?  Or were you just distracted by something shiny while typing?

thats21  8-ionly e ver use your ow nraids…this is the third or 4th Game_Server and i’m  goingto lo                  secartoon troops.

please fix?

thanx

[ps[my keyb oard broke-sorryf ortyping:)

Keep the broken keyboard – it makes your emails more interesting.  Try rewriting some boring books with that keyboard, spice them up.  Send a love letter and even death threats to famous people, they won’t know what to think.

It’s time for a song… I think.

Well we grew up down, by some Nomad’s town, shooting arrows at Saxon Warrior’s hands.

Killing off their pike, with our lucky strike, and banning them from GOTU land.

Well we’re The_Game flunkies, South Europe junkies, chopping off these Renegades heads.

Singing out, Loud and Proud, all from our crowd, so you’re better off by being dead.

“We are Bad ya know”.

We got our The_Game’s knowledge, from Famous_City college, where Famous_Literary_Character majored in Girls and Ale.

We were all real bold, till we ran out of gold, and then Another_Literary_Character threw us out into this hostile land.

Yeah those Game_Champions they thought that would run this town, ain’t running much of anything.

We just pillage and raid, and laugh when they’re afraid, and if you listen, you should hear them scream.

Chorus: These are my member’s….This is where we come from….We’re fighting our War’s with everything we’ve got, and then some….It’s always bloody…But it’s Not Real…it’s the way we’ve trained, and the Ore we’ve gained…we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Cuz these are my members!

Well we train all week, on some poor ally’s cheek, so we’d be ready on Friday nights.

There is No wild stealing, hurt-in members feelings, and our Guild_Master stop all the fights.

Then later on… At A_Bar, everybody has gathered as friends.

And the Ale’s a pourin, till Monday morning, when we start it all over again.

Chorus: These are my member’s….This is where we come from….We’re fighting our War’s with everything we’ve got, and then some….It’s always bloody…But it’s Not Real…it’s the way we’ve trained, and the Ore we’ve gained…we wouldn’t have it any other way.

If we fall down, then we get up…We are proud, and we are tough. We’ve got heart, and we’ve got nerve.

We give all hostiles, what they deserve.

C’mon,

yeah, these are my members…this is where we come from…We’re fighting our War’s with everything we’ve got, and then some….It’s always bloody…But it’s Not Real…it’s the way we’ve trained, and the Ore we’ve gained…we wouldn’t have it any other way.

These are my members….yeah!

I have no idea why you wrote a song for a game, but you have too much time on your hands.  Honestly, if you have enough time to write a song for a game I have to wonder if you’ve ever had liquor before.  I would say good song, but I can’t really picture the tune with my own mix list playing in the background.

 

Just for legal reasons, I don’t own this song at all!  I wouldn’t want to, I’m just making fun of it.  I also edited out as many of the specific references as possible because if the people mentioned were alive I doubt they would want to be mentioned in this song.

It really is the shit

Perhaps you should stop eating whatever it is you’re eating if it was made from shit.  That or stop watching tween movies to pick up slang, you’re over forty for fucks sake.

it always appear on the screen even i have only 1 windows open which will  suggest me to close that particular window. i tried refreshing and clearing cache but it always pop up.

If you stop visiting porn sites, giant engorged cocks with tape measures will stop popping up on your screen.  The more porn you watch, the more herbal erectile dysfunction pop-up ads you will see.

Hi,

Please do not give my phone number to “anyone else”!

321-555-5555!

Have A Blessed Day!

Nice_Name

You don’t know how much I wrestled with actually putting her real number in here.  I was even going to type up a list of possible insults or jokes to prank call her with.  In the end, I decided not to because she told me to have a blessed day.  Have one yourself.  *does this one act of kindness redeem all the evil comments in the book? I hope so*

I got a message about being contacted my number is 0############## any time or this email im not sure this is a repeat message just making sure

Didn’t you pay attention to the message, put the money in a silver briefcase and go to the museum and do a trade off.  You know what, fuck it I’ll mail your kids head in a year or two.


From → Sample Chapters

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